Healthy relationships include respect from both sides. The best way to communicate boundaries with one another is with compassion, understanding, and respect for each other’s expectations. Having respect each time we communicate will ultimately make any relationship healthier and stronger.
What are the 3 steps to setting boundaries?
- Challenge Your Guilt.
- Identify Your Barriers and Fears.
- Make Rules for Yourself.
Understand that:
- Boundaries have nothing to do with love
- Boundaries are a peaceable thing
- Boundaries are basic principles you identify for yourself
What are examples of healthy boundaries?
Boundaries have nothing to do with how much I love someone but more about whether I love myself enough to express my needs in a healthy way.
Many adult children are emotionally fused with their parents. Parents are the primary source of our adult identity. If you had an unmanageable childhood, chances are that yours is not very clear. When someone is emotionally fused with another person, they have difficulty drawing boundaries between themselves and others. As a result, they give too much and take too little. Understanding the need for boundaries is one of the keys to breaking free from your family of origin and developing a healthier relationship with them (and yourself).
Most people struggling with boundary issues tend to be those who experienced alcoholic or addictive behaviors in their family of origin. Therefore, it was not unusual for them to take on the addictive behavior of a parent or sibling, whether it was drugs, alcohol, compulsive working out at the gym, or overeating.
How do you know if you have difficulty with boundaries? Look at your family of origin. Did you have to take care of your parents, for instance?
Think about boundaries in your current relationships. Do you find yourself giving too much and demanding little in return? Do you feel guilty when you say no? Do others tell you that they don’t know where they stand with you because “you are all over the map?”
Key components to having healthy boundaries:
- Know your values and live by them
You may have gotten away with being “pleasers” all of your life, but you must be true to yourself if you want a fulfilling relationship with others. Ask yourself, what is important in my life? What do I need to do to take care of myself? Set your limits. If you don’t tell others what you want or need, how do they know what to do for you? The only way someone will know is if you tell them! It does not mean that people will automatically give it, but at least the opportunity exists.
- Know when enough is enough
When someone is emotionally fused with you, they will try to get their needs met by leaning on you. It may feel good for a moment, but it doesn’t work in the long run. You end up resenting them, and they become angry because of your “no.” Have compassion for yourself. Boundary issues arise when we have not taken care of ourselves or allowed ourselves to become emotionally suffocated. When you know that someone is trying to manipulate your feelings, tell them “No” and walk away. If it’s not good for you, then it doesn’t feel right!
- Practice detachment
Detachment does not mean that you are dissociated from the situation or person but rather that you allow yourself to step back and examine the situation. When we become too emotionally entangled, it becomes difficult to be objective and make sound decisions.
If you struggle with setting boundaries, remember that you cannot control what others do – whether it is giving back or withdrawing from you. You can only control how you react. When we strengthen ourselves and practice the above steps, it becomes easier to let go of the fear that others will leave us when we speak up for ourselves. You can learn to trust that what is in your best interest will be in their best interest too! (Adapted from The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists)
What are examples of emotional boundaries?
When family members get together, sometimes those personal boundaries can be blurred. We may feel as though we need to overshare or allow others to disrespect us. Healthy boundaries in family relationships are important because it respects yourself and the people around you.
When we set up healthy boundaries, we give ourselves permission to protect ourselves and say no without feeling guilty or selfish.
Here are some tips to help with setting boundaries in your family relationships:
Clearly identify your boundary
Make sure you know exactly what it is that you want to communicate to the person about their behavior and be able to express the boundary specifically.
Be straight forward
Don’t beat around the bush or sugar coat; just say it straight out.
Don’t apologize or give long explanations
Just state the boundary in a simple sentence without any “ifs”, “ands”, or “buts”.
Use a calm and polite tone
The more upset you are, the less likely you’ll be taken seriously.
Start with tighter boundaries
It’s easier to go from no boundaries to a little boundary. Make small changes before you make drastic changes.
Address boundary violations early
Address the problem as soon as it happens, if not sooner. If you don’t address the issue right away, it only worsens and starts to feel natural.
Don’t make it personal
When you set your boundaries around someone else’s choices, you don’t have to take responsibility for their choices.
Respect yourself
Enough that you won’t allow others to treat you poorly or disrespect your privacy. You can set healthy boundaries with everyone around you by being honest and respectful about what you expect from them.